I’ve had a not-so-perfect afternoon: after a bit of a drought it POURED here…on the day I finally remembered to crack my car windows for relief from the heat, of course.

I got home to cook supper and I literally sliced my left thumb from the top of the nail to the first knuckle.

Will came home right when this happened. I talk a lot of shit because Will doesn’t really do anything if I don’t tell him what to do (things that NEED to get done – it’s not like he sits there unanimated until I wind him up), but then tonight I realized it’s okay if I have to tell him, it’s awesome that he does it, and he does it happily.

So he wrapped my wound, stirred the dinner while I pouted, then he took over oven-duty. He poured me a diet root beer and got me a cookie. He kissed my thumb to make it feel better and hugged me.

Then he turned on some Michael Jackson and we had a dance party.

I have a great husband, even if I never tell the internet.

Yes, always tip the stylist 15%. Listen, John, I’ve gotta go, T. Boone Pickens just walked in.

This picture was taken on the first night I met Will, before we started dating. Or talking. Because we were really never introduced that night. But he was is so cute!

There is a time of the year where you just. stop. checking the weather.

It’s not going to change, y’all. Every time you see someone you don’t have to greet them with “it’s hot,” “my my, ain’t it hot,” “and it’s just gonna get hotter!” or another variation. I don’t care if you are my boss, my husband, my best friend, or the dude who just delivered some short little chairs to my mama’s house. You don’t have to tell me it’s hot. I am right here.

I was supposed to take this afternoon off to wait at mom’s house for a delivery of some furniture (she was unable to be here), but then when I came home yesterday and did a load of laundry (or started to), my washer drained all over our kitchen. Will was playing basketball so Christy helped me clean it up using a box of old towels I had planned to give to my mom to use in her cabins. Luckily I hadn’t given them to her yet. After we got done soaking up the water I threw the two dozen or so towels over our back porch railing. This morning they were starting to smell so I went ahead and took the whole day off so I could wash them at mom’s house, since I would be here anyway.

There is not a lot to do at mom’s house. If I were at my house I would be making lists and shampooing the rug and scrubbing the toilets and a number of other things I have on my mind. But here, the toilets are scrubbed, the rugs are impeccable, I weeded the vegetable garden just a couple of days ago. So I’ve tried my best to entertain myself and I ended up having a damn good day. So good, in fact, it breaks my heart that I have to go back to work.

Today I:

Worked out for two hours. I mean, really. This is what I’m talking about. When I have the time/energy, I’m unstoppable. If I didn’t have bills to pay, I’d be hot, because I would quit my job and work out all damn day. I love working out when I’m not dragging my ass.

Cuddled with my dad’s cat, Enron. Enron and I are BFF.

Talked to my nephew on the phone. He gave me kisses and mom said he was looking into the phone trying to see me. !

Walked around the yard. I smelled the magnolias and dropped in on the roses and said “hey!” to the goldfish. I ducked into the secret garden and peeked at the azaleas that mom saved from my own yard (no time to plant those…no time for anything). I found a bird nest in the tractor shed, an amazing spider web in the barn. I went down to the bank of the pond to look for tadpoles, I saw a fish and I caught a lizard. I chased a frog, I ate blueberries that weren’t quite ripe and squeezed the tomatoes.

For lunch I had a few cheese and crackers and then went outside and made myself sick on the peaches I could find that were both ripe and untouched by worms. They were hot and sticky and I made a mess, just like when I was a kid helping my parents pick peaches out of Dad’s orchard.

I laid out in the sun. Just for a few minutes, but I just went and laid out on the deck and soaked in some sun on my face. That felt good.

I read a little bit. I’m reading this book. I read Pigs Don’t Fly when I was in junior high and then never finished the trilogy. I’m doing that now, 15 years later. It’s a wonderful book, kind of silly, but good to get lost in when you don’t want to take anything too seriously.

I watched some TV. That is crazy, because I generally watch about 30 minutes of TV a week – Friday nights I watch The Soup, and that is it. I decided I don’t really like TV.

Anyway, I’m having a good day. I wish I had another day to spend at MY house, and then I would feel even better, knowing I had one day of simple pleasures and one day of getting tasks done. But I will take the simple pleasures for now.

I know I should post. I really do.

I know I promised a fried green tomato recipe, but I just haven’t felt like it. I’m tired ALL OF THE TIME. I come home and go straight to bed to take a quick nap before it’s time to make dinner/go to dinner/tell Will he will have to eat cereal, I am dying.

That’s another thing – the only plausible time for me to work out from the time I get up at 5:15 AM to the time I come home at 5:00 PM, is between the homecoming and dinner preparation. That is when I am now SLEEPING. So I am getting fatter and flabbier and more miserable but I just have zero energy.

Which brings me to the reason I haven’t posted picture of my haircut…because my hair is attached to my gigantic, fat head.

I’m going to be very honest with you, internet. I am unhappy with myself. There’s nothing I can do but suck it up and work out, if only I could wake up long enough. I’m going to the doctor at the end of the month, so maybe he can tell if my medicine is not a high enough dosage. I am kind of praying it isn’t, so then I’ll have an answer other than what I think is wrong with me – the big D word that has been a skeleton in my closet my entire life.

I hate to use the word “depression” because what the hell do I have to be depressed about? Nothing but how I look, and that’s stupid and juvenile. Anyway. Unsurprisingly, it’s bedtime.

Oh, here is one of my favorite Duran Duran songs that I was trying to sing to my sister the other day (although it was on chat, so it was really kind of pointless). So this is for my Kendra:

I feel like I should update now that I have this shiny new layout (how did I not notice our butts as a footer before? Everyone scroll down and look at our asses…Rachie, you are genius), but I really don’t have anything to say.

I tweeted a link to the wedding photographer’s blog, where she uploaded a slideshow of a few of the photos. Here it is again for those of you who missed it: wedding pictures! Pretty much everything you will ever need to stalk and kill me is all right there. Don’t do that; remember I touched upon the uncoolness of that in a previous post.

We made it through inventory OK. Better than OK, actually! I got to leave work Friday night around 8 and I got the rest of the weekend off – usually inventory entails working until around midnight on Friday and then coming in half a day Saturday. Plus our numbers were good. We’re a good crew of toilet salespeople.

Last night I dreamed that I was washed down a mountain in a kind of…tsunami. I had to crawl my way back up, treetop to treetop. Sometimes I would get washed under and could see the park benches and the cars that got flooded (yes, the mountain was underwater…my brain defies logic). Finally I made it to the top and Will was waiting for me and told me it had taken me two days. Then we ate ice cream. I woke up sore and exhausted.

Anybody have a recipe/method for cooking fried green tomatoes? I grew tomatoes expressly for that purpose and have a few I need to cook pretty soon. Let me know if you’ve got an idea. My boss told me I have to put them in the freezer just long enough to keep the inside from getting gooey in the batter, is this true? Also, any good recipes for sauces? I would really like a remoulade if possible. I’ll search the internet, but I’m more prone to trust y’all.

Since high school, my friend Pam and I have spent a lot of time scouring the rooms of the local antique shops (junktique, I call them). I always bought small dishes for catch-alls and bottles and shiny things for my magpie nest (OK, OK, my house). Once, several years ago, I bought something completely out of character for me – a necklace. I seldom wear necklaces as I have this completely irrational but very real fear of people touching my neck. Anyway, the necklace fit a bit when I was very skinny but since I met Will and stumbled recklessly into Weight Gain ‘08 I was unable to wear it comfortably (it would lie right in that dip at the base of the neck…what is that called?). A couple of months ago I finally found a chain extension in the same antique gold finish and voila! my favorite necklace:

I will try to update again this weekend perhaps. My mother and I (and possibly a couple of my friends) are going to craft fair in Natchitoches (a very real town, I might add) and then we have got a lot to do around here. Thanks to wedding gifts and some insane shopping sprees, the house is finally coming together! I think my aunt would be proud of the little house she and my uncle built…it is full of love and light and good sounds and smells. I have made a nice, cozy home for my husband and I, for my friends and family, and I am happy. Now if only I could keep it tidy…

(I believe tidy works better for people who have free time, of which I have very little)

Next year, we will make my great-grandma Rhea proud, by planting a flower and vegetable garden. I’m going to start off small because I tend to get overwhelmed, not remembering all I should from the seven years working with my plants – I can’t wait for next spring!

(my wonderful great-grandmother who passed away a few years ago and her beloved rose bushes)

Tomorrow is FRIDAY! Enjoy it…and try not to climb any flooded mountains.

Tonight is a good night!

As you can see, I have a new design! I really wanted something that incorporated one of our engagement pictures and Rachie was sweet enough to take on the task. I will never be able to thank her enough because I am TRULY ignorant about what looks good and what I even wanted in the first place, and she was so patient with me!

Also good? Inventory ended at 8 PM instead of the usual midnight! Plus we don’t have to go in tomorrow at all! I really think it’s because we’ve got such a good team of workers who have all been through this several times before (before this crew, we had a lot of turnarounds) and a very, very awesome manager.

The best? Jill texted me about an hour ago to say she was working on putting some of our wedding photos up on her blog! Which means all of them are not far behind! I was tickled to see a picture of Will and I made it as part of the revolving header on her blog…sorry, Daddy, it’s me wearing the Bear Bryant hat. I hope you still love me.

Tomorrow I’m cooking a pot roast and going shopping. I’m happy tonight, for the first night in awhile.* I hope y’all are happy, too.

Oh, also, here is a poem my friend Pam sent me in an e-mail. It’s got my mind working. I’m not going to say it didn’t have a part in making me angry and hurt, but it’s not the poem’s fault. It’s mine. It’s nice to have something in front of your face that says exactly how you feel, but it’s also very hard. Validating, but it doesn’t make me any less apprehensive and insecure. I wish I could find a piece of work that did that.

For the young who want to

-Marge Piercy

Talent is what they say
you have after the novel
is published and favorably
reviewed. Beforehand what
you have is a tedious
delusion, a hobby like knitting.

Work is what you have done
after the play is produced
and the audience claps.
Before that friends keep asking
when you are planning to go
out and get a job.

Genius is what they know you
had after the third volume
of remarkable poems. Earlier
they accuse you of withdrawing,
ask why you don’t have a baby,
call you a bum.

The reason people want M.F.A.’s,
take workshops with fancy names
when all you can really
learn is a few techniques,
typing instructions and some-
body else’s mannerisms

is that every artist lacks
a license to hang on the wall
like your optician, your vet
proving you may be a clumsy sadist
whose fillings fall into the stew
but you’re certified a dentist.

The real writer is one
who really writes. Talent
is an invention like phlogiston
after the fact of fire.
Work is its own cure. You have to
like it better than being loved.

*I have been feeling lonesome and cheated and confused and letdown for no good reason.

(P.S. I do love you, it’s myself I don’t love enough)

Married life is pretty much the same as being engaged except I got a bunch of new stuff in my house. Thanks, family and friends. I can cook now without having to run to mama’s every two minutes to get an instrument that I never had/broke/lost in the several moves of my single life.

One of the best parts is that I can go ahead and get fat now. I mean, that’s not my plan, and so far it hasn’t started, but I’m not going to diet for a long time if I can help it. It was understandable before the wedding, but now? No thanks. I’m going to go back to what I was doing that was pretty successful: eating what I want in moderation, which means nothing too ridiculous too often, and not too much. It’s really not that hard.

That means I can go back to cooking. YESSSS. Will and I have arguments a lot about my cooking. Mostly because he likes to make fun of me. I grew up with a grandmother who cooked huge Southern dinners (well, lunch to y’all, I guess) every weekend. My mom, even though she taught full time and went to school…and later was the principal of two schools (WOW MOM), always cooked really good meals. Will grew up in more of a Hamburger Helper home. That’s totally OK, I just don’t want to cook out of a box every night, you know?

For example, once Will got his thyroid thing figured out and it was all over and his thyroid was killed and he was on meds, I told him I’d celebrate by cooking him anything he wanted – and he chose Cheeseburger Macaroni.

Really, buddy?

Well, for the past few months I have completely ignored my urge to cook. I have been following my diet plan while Will has been stuck with fish sticks and sandwiches and meals from boxes. I didn’t feel guilty, because that’s the kind of stuff he loves! Then one day, he turned to me with a sad little face and said, “You don’t cook anymore.”

Well, I made a triumphant return Friday night.

I’m pretty sure I mentioned eating at the famous Miss Mary Bobo’s Boarding House on our honeymoon. While I was there, I picked up this cookbook (and paid twice as much…) in the boarding house gift shop. Since we got home I’ve been itching to try a couple of recipes, and I finally got a chance.

The first thing I tried is not even in the book, but it’s a staple at the boarding house. I found it on the UK Jack Daniel’s website, it’s called Jack Daniel’s Candied Apples. I didn’t take a picture, suffice to say they look like some apples sitting in some stuff. Here’s the recipe; promise me you’ll cook it:

Jack Daniel’s Candied Apples

6 cups peeled and sliced apples
1/4 cup butter
2 to 3 cups sugar
Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey, to taste

Combine apples, butter and sugar in a large saucepan. Cook over medium heat until apples are tender. Stir in Jack Daniel’s. Cook an additional 5 minutes. Makes 6 to 8 servings.

I used red apples and I ended up using maybe 2 1/2 cups of sugar. And way too much whiskey.

Friday night I decided to try a whole meal. It took a lot of work, cooking three things I had never cooked before (I usually cook stuff I’m comfortable with aside any new recipe I try), but it was worth it. Will and I agree this is the single best meal I have ever cooked so far in my entire life. So there.

I am actually begging you to use these recipes. At least very least, whip up this casserole and say your prayers to baby Jesus, ’cause you are dying and going to heaven.

There, have a random picture of the following recipes.

Chicken and Cornbread Casserole

3 cups cornbread, crumbled
2 tablespoons poultry seasoning
1 teaspoon sage
1/2 cup butter, melted
1 1/2 cups chicken stock
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1 4 oz. jar sliced mushrooms in juice
3 1/2 cups cooked chicken, cubed
1/2 cup onion, peeled and chopped
1/2 cup celery, diced
1/4 teaspoon dried red pepper flakes
Salt to taste

In a large bowl combine the cornbread, poultry seasoning, and sage. Pour the melted butter over the crumbs and stir to blend. Cover the bottom of a 9×5 glass baking dish with half of the crumbs. combine the remaining ingredients and spread the mixture over the crumbs. Top with remaining crumbs. bake at 325 for 30 to 35 minutes. Yields 8 to 10 servings.

For the cornbread, I just used the Jiffy mix and used a cake pan. I also used low-fat products where I could, like the mayo and sour cream. I didn’t have anything to use in place of the butter and the grocery store didn’t have any low-sodium chicken stock, but those or other options! This stuff is AMAZING. Will kept opening up the oven and taking big whiffs and then when it was time to eat, I couldn’t stop him from getting thirds. It’s that good. Even Mike got two helpings of leftovers when he came over Saturday night, and I’m pretty sure he’s not a big eater. I was so proud!

Tipsy Sweet Potatoes

4 large sweet potatoes
1/4 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup Jack Daniel’s whiskey
1/2 cup broken pecans, lightly toasted

In a large pan cook the unpeeled sweet potatoes in just enough water to cover completely. Bring to a boil, cover, and cook until tender, about 35 minutes. Drain and cool, then peel off the skins. In a mixing bowl, mash the potatoes with the butter. Add the sugar, salt, and whiskey.

In a buttered 1 1/2 quart round casserole dish, spread half of the potatoes and sprinkle with half of the pecans. Repeat the layers. Bake at 325 until hot, about 30 minutes. Yields 6 to 8 servings.

The cookbook also notes that you can use brown sugar in place of the white sugar for a different, caramel taste. I think it had a little bit too much whiskey, so next time I’m going to cut back on that. Other than that, it was delicious and super fun to mash up those potatoes.

Country Style Green Beans

2 pounds fresh green beans
5 slices bacon, cut into small pieces
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon dried red pepper flakes
1/2 teaspoon sugar
1 1/3 cups water

Trim the beans and break them into about 1 inch pieces. In a saucepan combine the beans and the remaining ingredients. Simmer covered for about 60 minutes. Yields 8 servings.

I always wondered how my mama cooked these, but when you ask my mom how to make something she can’t really tell you. Mom doesn’t measure anything, because she doesn’t have to – she’s been doing it since she was a kid. These weren’t just like mom’s, but they were damn good.

Right now I’m waiting for a Heavenly Fudge Pie to cool (it will be topped with Jack Daniel’s whipped cream), so if that turns out well, I’ll share it in the future.

At least I know my sister will make these.

Oh, also, among the many things I bought for the house with wedding money this weekend in Baton Rouge:

Lamps for the bedroom! Finally! And, no, I don’t make my bed every morning. Only some mornings. Definitely not Sunday mornings!

(I wrote this at work yesterday – the tenses keep changing, I’m sure. Forgive me this once, please, because it’s too much to go back and edit.)

OH HEY I should probably write about my wedding.

I’m not sure if that’s even possible. Most everyone who reads this was either at the wedding or they are already married and know all about what it’s like to be front and center on your wedding day. Plus it was ten or so days ago and that is about three years in Krista time. I’ll do my best, though.

I’m going to name vendors and venues and people and link to them when possible. All of them are local venues and businesses. Again, everyone who reads this (at least, everyone that I am aware is reading this) knows me and knows my last name and knows at least round-about where I live, but don’t stalk me, a’ight? That is the ultimate in uncoolness. There, that is my disclaimer for creepy folks who may be lurking.

(Also, kudos to my sister for not using my real last name in her Flickr set! We are, officially, Mr. and Mrs. Willpants. Even though my new last name is not too terribly hard to find.)

The night before was the rehearsal dinner (I have some pictures somewhere, but never uploaded them. I’ll get to that). My mother-in-law booked it at my very favorite local restaurant, Red River Grill. I’m not a huge fan of chain restaurants and this one is very close to home, so no one had to drive too far! (this restaurant is one of very few in the little town near my even littler hometown. The nearest “city” is about thirty minutes away, and who wants to drive that far when we all need to get to bed at a decent hour?). She had it decorated with stargazer lilies and tons of flowers…it was gorgeous. The food was AMAZING, although I don’t remember much of it except I had some really nice champagne and there were mini-meat pies (my favorite party food ever, with cocktail weenies coming in at a close second) and green beans, which the Grill knows how to do up right.

There was an open bar, and a speech from my uncle about Will running in the snow in his pajamas before dawn, and a brother-in-law who ransacked all the tables for leftover champagne for me after most of the guests left (thanks, Shayne!). As usual, it was me and Will and our friends Catherine, Mike, and Marc closing the place down. Some things don’t change, regardless of the setting.

That night my sister gifted me the perfume for my wedding day: Burberry Brit Sheer. Marc Jacob’s Daisy was a close second, if y’all were wondering, but I got a bottle of that from my mom for an Easter gift. (Kalen, you got a mention during the giving of the gift!).

Y’all. Y’ALL. I thought Will was done giving me wedding gifts – the honkin’ huge diamond ring and the pearl and diamond earrings were quite enough if you ask me. But then he pulls out this gift bag before we eat. First of all let me preface this by saying HE PICKED IT OUT HIMSELF. Do y’all know how huge that is for Will? That is MAJOR thoughtfulness. I even picked out my own ring, people, truly. Inside this gift bag was a Limoges box, with flowers painted on it. Very pretty, but when I opened it, there was a tiny, delicate gold charm inside. It was a little frog sitting on a lily pad. Now, this has a different meaning depending on which one of us you ask. His simple explanation was “you like frogs.” I have never gone out of my way to declare my love for frogs to my husband. Occasionally I will see a tiny frog resting on a window and I will be all “Oh, look a tiny frog. Ain’t it precious.” But I have never gone hog wild over them, so I’m not sure what he is talking about. I personally think he got it because I am always joking that I’m going to name our first daughter Lily* (this will be funnier to those who know our last name is not really Willpants). The truth will never be known, because anything more sentimental than “you like frogs” will probably result in Will’s brain exploding and linking out of his ears in a very manly, stoic mess.

Moving right along.

I DID NOT SLEEP AT ALL THAT NIGHT. Will spent the night at his parents’ house in his old room (aw) and I spent the night at my parents’ in their LEOPARD ROOM! I mostly read and napped all night, but I never got very far. I couldn’t stay asleep at all. When the sun started coming up and everything was all misty grey, someone snuck in my room and I was a little confused. It was Will! He had come over early to help finish decorating and he sneaked into my room. I told him he wasn’t supposed to see me but he said he couldn’t wait to give me a kiss. I married the right man. That was the last time I saw him ALL DAY until I walked down the aisle.

About ten minutes later my mom ducked in when she saw the light and said she wanted to be the first to kiss her baby girl on my wedding day. Ooops, sorry, Mom!

Everything after that is pretty run-of-the-mill wedding day stuff. I got up and had some coffee and stumbled around like I usually do in the morning.** Will was outside hanging the notorious balls (so many ball jokes have been made the past few months) so I had to stay inside the whole time. It kept sprinkling on and off. I read a bit. I was distraught some. I was SO FUCKING TIRED ALREADY. I tried to take a nap. I played with my baby nephew. I did not really stress, though! I was pretty chill, except for the rain bit. But even then I didn’t really get all bridezilla “YOU BETTER MAKE IT STOP RAINING!” I just kind of wandered around going “fuuuuccckkk.” But that is how I spend any normal day, so it was cool.

Somewhere around 3:30 I left to get my hair and makeup done. IN THE RAIN.

I did not take pictures of my hair stylist or makeup artist, Jessica and Carol, respectively. I forgot my camera. There was another girl there getting her hair done and she was getting married at the same time and only down the road from me! Only she was getting married in a church, so she couldn’t care less about the rain. (Future blog post – I am cutting my hair and I PROMISED Jessica she could have the honor. My hair is so long she didn’t have room at her station to curl it because she would end up backed into a wall. My hair, like I have stated in past posts, IS RIDICULOUS.)

Ok, so I get back.

AND THE RAIN HAS STOPPED. It rained, nay STORMED, all around us, but not ON us. I will quote my bridesmaid Pam’s post-wedding Facebook status: GOD IS GOOD.

I was all dolled up with pink cheeks and false eyelashes and beautiful curly hair and a gigantic poofy, scratchy veil on my head. Good for me. All of my bridesmaids where there at that point, getting ready. One of my maids, Danielle, has a friend and her daughter who came over and did their hair/makeup, so that’s what they did while I ran around looking for things like panties and shoes. I asked the girls if they saw Will and if he was handsome in his tux but no one would answer me! Finally, Catherine (who was not in the wedding but was hanging out with us, because I love her so deeply and passionately and I hope that doesn’t scare her) just simply said “yes” with a big smile and that’s all I needed!

I think Mom touched my boobs, I can’t remember, I guess she did because someone got my boob stickers on. I refused to wear Spanx and a girdle and all that crap with my dress. Not even a strapless bra, because those things look ridiculous. Mom did zip up my dress for pictures, and I think my photographer, Jill, got a good shot of my ruffled blue panties (something blue)***.

Oh, and we lost the garter. My something borrowed was going to be a plain white garter that Christy (kind of second matron-of-honor) had from her wedding. Except it disappeared. I happened to have TWO pairs of blue ruffled panties, because I ordered one WAY TOO SMALL, and never returned it. Danielle is brilliant and cut it up and made a garter out of it. So later Will threw a pair of cut-up panties at some boys.**** Awesome. (For the record, my something borrowed ended up being my mother-in-law’s diamond bracelet)

At some point I went out to the sun room and saw my grandpa sitting there and he got up without saying a word and came and held on to me. That was sweet and powerful and I love him so much. That was the second best part of the day (the very best part was getting married, in case you couldn’t figure that out).

The guys took their pictures before I got back, so the bridesmaids went on the front lawn and took ours together (someone made the boys hide. Thanks to that person!). That was kind of rushed, but fun. Then we went inside to wait! People started to arrive…my DAD WAS NOT DRESSED. The girls and I were hanging out in my parents’ bedroom dressing baby Curt in his tux and just joking and Dad rushed past us all cussing and locked himself in the bathroom. HAHA. Later, my mom’s childhood friend and right-hand lady, Mrs. Elaine, slipped in real fast with his boutonniere. She just mumbled “Here, I have something for you,” and ducked out like she was trying to get out of a lion’s den. Poor Daddy, always late.

Then we all lined up in order of our walk in the foyer. My uncle’s step-daughter was there with me to fix me up and fill out my train and MAKE ME NOT CRY. She was so nice! Danielle’s mom was holding Curt right behind me (he stayed in for the ceremony, remember, no kids…it wouldn’t have been fair) and I didn’t want to leave him! He was so cute in his little tux.*****

The rest if kind of a blur. My girls went and then my dad walked me out. I had one of his hankies and boy did I cry. The whole way down the aisle (and why did he walk so fast?!) he told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me, so I boo-hooed.

Then I saw Will.

Y’ALL.

It is such an amazing thing to see your soulmate waiting on you, waiting to spend the rest of his life with you. I was shaking so hard that it was visible to my guests (My uncle Rick picked on me later, shame on you!) and when I got up there I just wanted to topple over, but I didn’t! Daddy held me up and I was ok by the time Will took me up to stand in front of Mr. Bill, the preacher who married us. I have never, ever seen Will smile the way he did. It was so odd, seeing this expression I didn’t know he could make. It was the biggest, cheesiest grin. He swears he wasn’t tearing up, but his eyes were red and watery! He held my hands so tightly while we prayed and listened to speeches that he hurt me! His cousin Ellen read from the bible, and Shayne gave a nice little speech about marrying into our family (I heard neither…sorry, y’all, I was preoccupied.) We did the sand ceremony (no candles outside, in case of breezes). I just wish I had been paying attention to the music. We hired a string quintet of college students from Natchitoches (Lincoln Hall, a story for another day, perhaps) and they played Tara’s Theme (yes, from Gone with the Wind, this was an old South wedding, mind you) and the theme from Love Story (a movie my parents saw together when they were dating, I remember Mom telling me that, so I chose it). I didn’t hear a single note.

But then we were married!

Then there was the receiving line which was confusing, because there were SO MANY people I had never met before on Will’s side (mostly colleagues and friends of his parents, he has a very tiny family). I will never remember them and all and I feel bad.

Everyone but our families went to the back to the reception tent to wait while we took family pictures up front. Then we got to go see our tent! I guess Will had seen it finished, but I hadn’t! Our first dance started IMMEDIATELY, so we went into that (”Out of Left Field” by Percy Sledge). I am a terrible dancer, but I’m ok at slow dancing if I have someone to lead me. Will CANNOT DANCE at all, so he was not a very good leader. We failed, but I don’t really care. Also, my seamstress wouldn’t sew a bustle into my dress so I had to hold it up by the loop on the underskirt. It kept getting tangled up around me! Very awkward and uncomfortable. Oh well. Then I danced with my Daddy to Heartland’s “I Loved Her First,” which he picked out all by himself. That was a special moment, because I love my Daddy more than life, I swear. My mom commented on a picture that I look like I felt so safe in his arms, and I do. Looking back through the pictures though, I immediately feel bad for Catherine, who just lost her Dad. So now I’m happy to look at the pictures, because it was a favorite moment of my wedding, but sad – because I know one day I’ll be looking at them remembering my Daddy, because he’ll be gone. Hoo boy, now I’m crying. Sorry, friends.

ANYWAY. Then Will and his mom danced to “Close To You” by the Carpenters, which she used to sing to him when he was a baby. Isn’t that cute? Will threw a FIT and didn’t want that song and by God, he will never ever dance to that song, you can forget it! Well, mom and I broke him down and my mother-in-law got her dance. Will learned that sometimes you have to give in and let your mama have what she wants if it means a lot to her. Well, at least I hope he learned.

Then I think we ate. I remember my sister telling me that she didn’t get to eat at her own wedding. No way was I letting that happen so my wonderful and fabulous coordinator, Mr. Wilbert, made sure we were the first to open the buffet line. I’m kind of a pig and the food was maybe the part of the wedding I cared the most about, so let me list what we had (yes, I’m seriously going to do this): brisket, shrimp fettuccine, green beans, corn casserole, yeast rolls, mini-crawfish pies, TINY WEENIES YESS…oh shit, that’s all I remember. And sweet tea! And there was a chocolate fountain with marshmallows and fruit and pound cake…and cookie bar for Will (he’s a cookie monster, in case y’all didn’t remember). And of course the big strawberry covered chocolate groom’s cake!

Then there was the wedding cake. At some point in all of these festivities there was the cutting of the cake and the part where you drink champagne with your arms all interlocked like freaks. I don’t remember when it was. The cake looks great in the pictures, thank God, because I was not happy with it. I specifically discussed what the scroll work should look like and the cake designer and I came to an agreement and then she put EXACTLY WHAT I DIDN’T WANT ON THE CAKE. Seriously, lady? My first impression when I had that little bite was not good…it tasted bland. But everyone tells me it was good, so who knows. I didn’t taste it again until the next day after it had been sitting out on mom’s kitchen table so it was dry by then. I hope it was good, but I have my suspicions.

Then there was bouquet throwing (my friend Anne caught it, because she’s like a foot taller than everyone else I know) and garter tossing (see below****) and then we PRETENDED TO LEAVE. Yes, we pretended to leave so people could throw rice on us.

Jill and her husband, Kyle (the videographer) grabbed us and brought us to the very peaceful front lawn to take a few pictures and shots. It was so nice to be alone (well, aside from Jill, Kyle, and Matt, the second photographer). Matt kept getting excited and saying “SUNFLARE!” HAHA. Will and I couldn’t stop kissing. It was a nice break. Then we went in and I changed in my beautiful green silk dress that after strenuous dieting (where I lost only three pounds), it fit perfectly. And I started to realize I was not going to make it much longer before passing out.

The rest of the night was dancing and nibbling on leftover sweets and drinking margaritas at the open bar. My uncle got drunk and danced WITH EVERYONE. I danced with Jodi and Nicole and Shayne and my mom…I think Will and I danced one more time? He hates to dance SO MUCH.

There were only a few things that bothered me aside from my questionable cake: most everyone left REALLY EARLY, including the young people. Free booze and food, guys, where are y’all going?

And the DJ. I hate the DJ so hard when I think about it. I gave them (him and his wife/partner) a HUGE list of songs to play and they acted all excited because they said no one EVER is that specific!
They played maybe two songs off of my list, not counting the cake song (“Baby, We’re Really in Love by Hank Williams in honor of my grandpa – I would have straight up MURDERED them if they had not played that) and the dance songs, obviously. Like, most of my list was slow. Even Danielle said just reading it put her to sleep. But instead of playing some of my super slow jazz and country and love songs while we ate they played MOTHERFUCKING ENYA. WHAT?! ENYA?!?!?

The rest of the night they played whatever shit they wanted until finally people started to realize they could climb up to the deck and request what they wanted. The requests didn’t bother me, but before? They really should have followed my list like they said they would. I am still pissed. So if you need a DJ in central LA, let me know and I’ll tell you who NOT TO USE, if you have specific songs you want played. I’m not such a bitch I’m going to name them here.

But, fuck you, DJs.

Around 11? 12? the party ended and I went inside and very quickly browsed through gifts (I was kind of drunk, too, although I only mustered the energy to have two margaritas) then I went home and yanked out my false eyelashes, washed the big curly knots out of my hair, and went to bed.

No, there was no wedding hanky-panky, you can forget about it.

Things about the stuff in the wedding, in case you are getting married in the area and need to know who to use and who to avoid:

My photographer WAS AWESOME. Like most photographers, she will probably travel. She’ll bring a second photographer if you request (maybe she normally does this? I requested) and her husband is a videographer. Their company is called VI West Studios out of Natchitoches , LA and I would highly recommend her. She did my bridal shoot and our engagement photos, too! Plus, she has the prettiest, cleanest bathroom in the whole world, honest. And she is a wicked-good four-wheeler captain.

My coordinator/florist was Mr. Wilbert of Gilbert’s Florist in Marksville , LA. He and his ladies did an AMAZING job with flowers (most were real, at my request, he did wonderful with both real and fake). He also went to school with my mom, so we already knew him. A bonus, for sure. He decorated everything and filled in holes where I was out of ideas. He made sure everyone knew where to be and what to do. He basically made sure the wedding ran smoothly and boy did it ever. Not one thing was out of place! He also is the first person I call when I need flowers for a funeral, if you need that. In fact, I have an invoice from him right now on my desk for work-related funeral flowers. I should probably get that paid instead of wasting precious time gushing about him to people who lives hundreds of miles away from his services.

The caterers are more local people from right down the road. I have no idea if there is a name for their company or not. They catered my sister’s wedding, too! They are super friendly and their food is goooood.

My dress came from David’s Bridal. Kudos to the people who know where they have seen it before. If you are wondering, the sash colors is Azalea. I would NOT EVER ON MY LIFE recommend David’s Bridal. In fact, please stay as far away from that demon-filled hell pit as possible, unless you want to be lied to and treated like shit and you really just insist on paying full price for a dress off the rack. If you don’t believe me, do a quick search for complaints to the Better Business Bureau. However, I loved my dress.

My ruffled blue undies came from HerRoom.com, if you are into that kind of thing. I totally am.

My bridesmaid’s dresses were Alfred Angelo (colors of the dresses were pink and fuchsia) and were bought at Britt’s Boutique in Marksville, LA , as well as my shoes (that’s where I rented the veil, too). They are SERIOUSLY NICE and did not lose their shit when I had MY ENTIRE BRIDAL ARMY call them one day. Plus they do free alterations!

I made the shoe clips because I am just that awesome. Hit me up if you need some custom shoe clips, because I have a TON of the bare clips left.

My hair and makeup was PERFECTLY done at The Salon in Pineville , LA by two lovely young ladies I mentioned before. They are both a LOAD of fun. You spend most of your time in there trying not to crack up, seriously.

I cannot remember anything else. I wish I knew what colors my toes were painted. I mean, I remember, because they are still that color, but I can’t find the OPI color online. Just yesterday I went and purchased the nail color because it was PERFECT (OPI Bubble Bath). If pictures of my wedding feet show up and you know the shade, please tell me. I’m distraught. And I really don’t want to go back to the salon just to ask about a shade and I can’t afford to go and get pedicures every two weeks, honestly.

I hope this was enlightening. I hope it was honest. Sometimes I feel like I made it all up because aside from the extra diamond band and all of the insanely shiny small kitchen appliances everything seems the same in the Willpants house! Next blog will be the honeymoon, of which I remember much more!

*If you think my mother-in-law has already bought lily pad themed baby toys and nursery decorations, YOU WOULD BE CORRECT.

**I need at LEAST thirty minutes to wander around whatever house I wake up in and look at things and yawn like a baby bear.

***my something old was the brooch used as a hairpin, it was Will’s great-grandmother’s, I think? My something new was my dress, and everything else. Hope it counted.

****No one actually caught it, it just kind of landed on the ground at Marc or Mike’s feet and they started down at it. That was before I revealed it was PANTIES.

*****A week later, he learned to give kisses and now that’s ALL WE DO is kiss one another. He loves to kiss his Teta! If he had known how to do that at the wedding, I probably would have never made it out of the house to Will!

My sister took some pictures at the wedding. You can find them here.

I want my professional ones, too! I’m so impatient.

I’m doing everything in my power to not get dressed and go to work today.

We’re back! I swear I’ll write a huge post about the wedding and honeymoon, but not tonight. For now, here are the honeymoon pictures:

Our trek to the mountains!

They are pretty self-explanatory. I’m also working on uploading all of our engagement photos and all of my bridals, but that will take forever, and they are mostly for me and my family anyway. The wedding photos are probably another three weeks out, but rest assured it was the most beautiful wedding the south has ever seen. No, honestly. I wouldn’t even joke about something like that.

Sara, thank you SO MUCH for your restaurant recommendations. We tried two of them (the other was Smoky Mountain Brewery) and we loved them both! You were seriously a great help because who wants to eat at chain restaurants on their honeymoon* and there are so many shitty restaurants in the world you have to be careful.

I was sad at first to be home but I have my house straightened up now and it feels a little better. My parents are keeping my nephew this weekend so I got to see him and play with him for a couple of hours this morning – he loves me! He always reaches for me when I come into the room and he kisses me all over! (Baby kisses – the sloppy open-mouthed kind. But still! Kisses!) I love him, too.

Right now I’m going to go cut up some apples and try to recreate some crazy whiskey soaked apple stuff we ate at Miss Mary Bobo’s in Lynchburg and drink some wine I bought in Pigeon Forge. That will do for now.

Randomly, here is a song I love and listen to like twenty times a day despite death threats from my husband (that still feels super weird):

*we did eat at Ruby Tuesday because we don’t have one here and I like their salad bar. Oh, and at Olive Garden because we don’t have one here either.